It took me 30+ years to realize what I’ll teach you in 10 minutes
B1
All right, this video is going to be
harder than normal. I want to go through
all the research on perfectionism, what
causes it, how it develops, how it
affects your brain and body, and what
you can do about it because it's taken
me a really long time to realize how
much of a negative impact perfectionism
has had on my life despite struggling.
Like, I always thought it was a positive
thing. In fact, I was raised believing
it was a badge of honor to be a
perfectionist. But not only has more and
more research come out challenging this
belief and showing some extremely
serious consequences for perfectionists,
but because it's taken me decades of my
life to really face this uncomfortable
truth, I thought learning more about it
would not only help me, but hopefully
other people out there, too. So, we'll
start by clearing up something quickly.
Perfectionism is not just wanting to do
a good job or having high standards and
goals. Psychologists actually define it
as a personality style characterized by
the desire to achieve way beyond what is
reasonably expected and often linked
with super high self-criticism, mental
ruminating, and a major fear of failure.
And research shows that levels of
perfectionism have skyrocketed over the
last few decades, especially in young
people, which we'll look at as well. But
first, let's see if you relate to these
traits used to measure perfectionism.
First defined by Frost A. Do you have
one excessive concern over making
mistakes? Two, high personal standards.
Three, doubts about quality of actions.
Four, perception of high parental
expectations. Five, perception of
parental criticism. And six, preference
for organization and orderliness. Ding
ding ding ding ding ding ding. We have a
winner. If you're anything like me, that
list probably just called you out pretty
hard. Further research by Huitt and Flet
identified three dimensions that
perfectionists seem to fall into. Number
one is self-oriented perfectionism or
when you have your own super high
internal expectations on yourself. Two
is other oriented perfectionism which is
when you put your high expectations onto
other people expecting them to be
perfect. And number three is social
prescribed perfectionism which is the
perception or reality that other people
impose unrealistic expectations on you
like your parents or society. These
three dimensions aren't mutually
exclusive. So you could have a bit of
all of them or you might identify more
with one of them. For me, it's mostly
self-prescribed perfectionism, but
there's definitely a bunch of like
social prescribed perfectionism going on
in here, too. And I'm sure my partner
Greg would say there's also some other
oriented perfectionism that happens in
our household. So, let's quickly talk
about where perfectionism comes from and
how it develops. Not surprisingly,
research shows it's partly your genetics
and natural tendencies, but also your
environment and external factors and how
they interplay. But there's one factor
in particular that research has really
honed in on when it comes to
perfectionism, and that is parenting.
Study after study after study has linked
parenting style and especially parental
criticism and high expectations to not
only the development but maintenance of
perfectionism. This can range from the
more obvious version like vocal
criticism and pressure to achieve. But
it can also manifest from more subtle
cues and family dynamics. Maybe you
weren't highly criticized, but it was
obvious that your family celebrated
excellence and anything less was
overlooked. Or maybe your family wanted
to maintain an image of happiness and
perfection to others, forcing a facade
onto you. Research even shows that
having perfectionist parents is a high
predictor for you to be a perfectionist
as well. But it really boils down to
parents invalidating early childhood
experiences. People with more secure
attachment styles were typically given a
safe environment to self-explore and
make mistakes, allowing them to find out
who they are without fear of rejection
or punishment. But for a lot of
perfectionists, their parents may have
invalidated these experiences by
emphasizing mistakes or having
unrealistic expectations, which can lead
to a lower sense of self-worth, shame,
and anger. Kieran and he'll suggest that
the need to be perfect or appear perfect
is a strategy that is adopted to
compensate for, repair, and protect a
damaged sense of self-worth through
obtaining the approval of others. And
this type of attachment can lead to
other psychological disorders too. In
fact, this study on eating disorders
found that perfectionism, perceived
criticism, and parental expectations
were significantly correlated with the
presence of bulimic symptoms. Now, of
course, our culture and societal
pressure play a massive role in this,
too. There's been a 32% increase in
perfectionism among students between
1989 to 2016. But social prescribed
perfectionism has increased at basically
double the rate of self-oriented and
other oriented, which is super important
to recognize. Like, give yourselves and
your parents a bit of a break because
the world itself is way more competitive
than it ever was. There's a lot of
external pressure to be high achieving
along with the influence that even
social media has on us. Constantly
seeing people doing amazing things,
perfecting their routines and bodies and
celebrating all their successes. And all
these factors lead perfectionists to a
style of thinking called proverative
cognitive style where it's really
difficult to disengage from negative
thoughts. Constantly worrying about the
future or replaying past mistakes
becomes habitual, making you feel
inadequate and anxious about making more
mistakes. Your brain starts to see
criticism and judgment even when it
might not exist. And for many social
oriented perfectionists, they feel that
their desire to achieve is never
satiated. Almost like it's an endless
chase to a finish line that just keeps
moving further and further away. And all
these constant negative thoughts are
then linked to emotional distress and
health problems, which brings us to the
consequences and impact of perfectionism
on your mental health and body. So, this
is where I really want to emphasize that
being a perfectionist isn't just like a
cute and quirky trait. It's literally
linked to a ton of physical and
psychological disorders. There's
research showing it's linked with
pathways of physical stress, including
ulcers, migraines, gastrointestinal
issues, chronic fatigue, and even
hypertension. One study even found a 51%
increase in the risk of death for those
who are high in self-expectations versus
those who score low on scales of
perfectionism. People who have other
oriented perfectionism struggle more
with relationships, whether that be
explicitly like adversarial or just
simply having lower satisfaction in
general in relationships. This also
includes more interpersonal conflicts
and issues at work. And though the link
is not quite as strong in the research,
many studies have correlated disordered
eating with perfectionism as well. This
can also be expressed as physical
appearance perfectionism where one
focuses so obsessively on looks or a
perfect eating regime that it negatively
impacts other areas of their life. But
perhaps the biggest standout is the many
studies linking perfectionism to anxiety
and depression. Interestingly, the
research suggests it's not just
correlation, but actually causation.
That is, the higher you fall on the
perfectionist scale, the more likely you
are to be anxious and depressed. Fears
of performing to real or imagined
standards again result in shame, low
self-esteem, and a diminished ability to
cope with negative emotions, which
ultimately makes one vulnerable to
depression. Even middle school students
with high scores in socially prescribed
perfectionism have higher rates of
depression. Now, for many
perfectionists, the increased anxiety is
then linked to something else called
anxiety sensitivity. that is becoming
afraid of the symptoms of anxiety
themselves, sometimes dubbed the fear of
fear, which can be a predictor for more
serious anxiety disorders. Because your
perfectionism can trigger such intense
emotions and anxiety, you then become
afraid of triggering that. In more mild
cases, this might result in an avoidance
strategy, which means you stop doing
things that you would otherwise want to
do simply to avoid these feelings. You
know, maybe you've always wanted to be a
musician, but your ambition just doesn't
yet match your skill, and you're afraid
to look dumb or not good enough. And as
a result, you put off taking the next
steps, and instead obsess over
researching and organizing and thinking
about the perfect ways to do it instead
of actually just doing the thing you
want to do. This may or may not be a
biographical account. In more extreme
cases, this has been seen to develop
into things like OCD, panic disorders,
and phobias. Again, social prescribed
perfectionism is most strongly linked to
both anxiety and depression. At its most
extreme end, studies have found a link
between perfectionism and suicide. Of
course, suicide is extremely complex and
not just caused by one issue. But the
negative thought patterns and inner
critic can play a significant role in
thoughts and behaviors. Studies on
university students found that those who
presented with both perfectionism and
suicidal ideiation had two dimensions in
common. One, reports of a history of
parental criticism, and two, doubts
about actions. Many men in particular
commit suicide without any previous
mental health diagnosis. The truth is if
you have a carefully constructed image
of being perfect, being in control, and
being extremely competent, then facing
public setbacks can be really difficult
to cope with. This is often dubbed the
cracking facade because perfectionists
are quite good at hiding their problems
until it's very far gone and it can all
break apart really fast. Studies find
this is most true for self-oriented and
societal dimensions of perfectionism.
Whereas other oriented perfectionism is
more associated with grandiose
personality disorders like narcissism.
Okay. So what can we do? Because
perfectionism is so multifaceted as in
it's a problem in and of itself but it
also makes other problems harder to deal
with. Most the research suggests that it
be dealt with as not only a primary
problem but in conjunction with other
diagnoses. And one of the main forms of
treatment is not so surprisingly
therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy is
the most prominent and researched form
for perfectionism and has shown success
in lowering an individual's
perfectionist score as well as lessening
unwanted emotions and negative thoughts.
These studies have even found self-help
and web-based versions of CBT to be
effective. More recent research has
shown success using mindfulness-based
approaches, too, like acceptance and
commitment therapy. They found that
mindfulness lessens the cognitive and
emotional load, especially for those who
feel self-presentation is necessary to
maintain for others. And these therapies
can lower depression and anxiety levels.
Interestingly, the research consistently
brings up the idea of self-compassion.
So, self-critical perfectionists who
don't really have the skill of
self-compassion struggle most intensely
and most often with anxiety and
depression. And other research has
confirmed that self-compassion is
protective against depression. early and
specific treatments seem to be best at
nipping it in the bud, but it's never
too late to reach out for help. Like I
said, this is something I only really
faced in my fourth decade of life. So,
even though it wasn't easy, it took a
really intense inner crisis for me and
obviously a lot of therapy, I feel I've
come a long way. And I really want to
reiterate that it's never too late to
start changing your relationship to
perfectionism. A lot of research
suggests schools, both primary and
secondary, consider implementing
programs to help their students manage
these increasing expectations and
increasing rates of perfectionism to
help build coping strategies and
self-compassion. From my personal
experience, something I've genuinely
come to believe about myself and other
people is that often your greatest
strength is also your greatest weakness
and vice versa. Like my perfectionism
has definitely pushed me in ways that
have helped me and made me accomplish
things that I'm super proud of, but it's
also caused me like a ton of strife. And
so right now, I feel like it's not about
getting rid of it. It's not about fixing
yourself. It's about really learning to
to face it, to see it, to acknowledge
it, to know when it comes up, and then
to know which parts of that are actually
useful for you, which parts are causing
you strain, anxiety, depression, and
which parts are like motivating you to
do things that make you feel good. It's
not so black and white, which is
obviously a perfectionist way of
thinking. I'm like, I either have to
have it or I have to get rid of it. No,
you can be in that middle. Find a way to
be self-compassionate. Find a way to
know it's not always good, and then go
from there. In all the research,
something that really stood out to me
was that while perfectionism is often
defined as the fear of not doing things
right, just as many papers define it as
the fear of not being good enough. That
hit me really hard and is a really
powerful way to think about it. Like,
are you chasing these things because you
don't feel good enough? If you don't
achieve your goals, can you still see
your value? These are questions I
honestly have to ask myself and remind
myself like the answer is yes. You can
still have value when you fail. You can
still have value when you don't hit your
goals. And I really do believe that if
you can spend time working on that
internal sense of self-worth and not tie
it so strongly to your work or
accomplishments or things on the
outside, that's worth spending a lot of
time on. I really do hope this video has
been useful to other people. It has
mainly been for me to reflect this
information back on myself cuz I know
when I get in that perfectionist
mindset, it really takes me away and
it's it's like nice to have this to kind
of ground me and remind myself how to
get back to the place of like focusing
on that self-compassion, self-worth. But
I appreciate it if you made it this far
in the video and hope it's been useful.
Thank you so much for watching. Make
sure you like the video, subscribe, and
we'll see you ASAP for some more
science. Peace.
