How NOT To Order At An Indian Restaurant! - Trevor Noah (From 'I Wish You Would' on Netflix)
A2
- Schadenfreude, German word Schadenfreude, right?
It means to take great joy in the pain
and suffering of others.
Fun fact, that word was never
translated into another language.
I wonder why my story happened in Edinburgh, Scotland.
What I do whenever I'm traveling is if I get
to be in the same place as my friends.
We try and spend as much time together,
and what we'll do is we'll order like food or we'll go out
and, and when we do that,
we allow one person to designate the meal.
And so whenever my day comes around consistently,
I pick Indian food, right?
Yeah. I think it's the best cuisine in the world.
Nothing comes close. You don't agree with me?
Let's meet in the parking lot. We can fight.
I love Indian food. Love my whole life.
And so we in Edinburgh, I'm with my friends.
They're like, where are we going, Trevor? What do you say?
I'm like, Indian food. They're like,
every time I was like, yes.
Every time Indian food. I'm like, oh, it's the same.
I'm like, then why do you keep asking me if you know,
you know, stop asking me.
And I searched. I searched for where we're gonna go.
'cause I always try and find the most authentic
Indian restaurant I can find.
Like, I mean, like authentic Indian restaurants.
Do you know what I mean? So what I'll do is I'll go
to a place, and then I'll ask around and I'll ask people.
I'll be like, where do you go? And then like,
where the white people tell me, I don't go there.
No. The reason, the reason it had to be so authentic.
Just, just so you understand a little bit of me,
I grew up in South Africa, as you know, right now,
what a lot of people may not know is
that South Africa has one of the largest Indian
populations outside of India.
And so I was lucky enough to grow up surrounded
by Indian culture, right?
In fact, one of my best friends growing up was a little
Indian boy by the name of Feas and pe.
Feas would get a packed lunch from his mom every single day.
Every single day. The meal was curry.
I know this because every day we'd sit down together,
Thon would open his little lunchbox, he'd open the bread,
look inside, and then he'd scream at the top of his lungs.
He'd be like,
God dammit, mommy.
He was like, oh, but this is like, is it bad?
He said, I don't even know anymore. I lost perspectives.
Hey, you can have it.
And he gave me his curry sandwich.
I bit it. And Toronto.
There, there are moments in your life
that will forever shape who you are.
Moments that will define who you grow on to be.
This was one of those moments for me.
I put that sandwich in my mouth.
I bit down and my mouth came alive.
My tongue discovered its purpose.
I didn't know potatoes could pop like that.
The flavors were bouncing around. My eyes opened wide.
It was, I just, I was like, wow. I was like, God,
- Hey, thank you,
mommy. It was
- Perfect.
And since then, I've loved Curry.
So fast forward many decades.
We're in Edinburgh, Scotland, going out with my friends.
We're choosing a spot. I choose Indian, authentic Indian.
We get to the place and it's legit. Like it is legit.
We walk in and there's Indian music playing.
There are Indian people eating Indian cooks in the back.
Indian waiters, Indian gods on the wall.
I'm like, this is it. I'm home.
We walked in, we sat down,
and as soon as we sat, one of my friends,
Steve launches for the menu.
And I was like, Steve, Steve, it's cool, man.
I'll just order for everyone at the table.
And he's like, oh, oh, that's, that's fine, Trevor, I'll,
I'll just, I'll order for myself.
Thank you. I was like, no, no.
It's, it's not about that, Steve.
I'll, I just prefer to order for all of us. Yeah, right.
You good. He's like, I don't know why that's necessary.
I, I think I'll just order for myself. Is that okay?
I was like, it's not, no, it's not okay Steve.
It's not okay, right?
Because you're probably gonna say some shit
that's gonna embarrass me in front
of my Indian people, right?
And so I just need you to back off for a moment.
He's like, I'm sorry, what would I say
that could embarrass you in front of Indian people?
I was like, I don't know Steve,
and I don't want it to happen.
Just let me handle this. Okay?
He's like, let you handle this, Trevor.
I'll have, you know that I've eaten Curry
for many, many years.
I'm like, Steve, this is not the time. Just let's not argue.
Okay, let's not argue. It's not the time to argue.
He's like, what do, what do you mean? Why? What?
Why would I embarrass you? Why?
I was like, there's no, you don't need to know why.
Let's just, let's just not do. He's like, no, why? Why?
Because I'm white. I was like, you brought it up, not me.
Right? I wasn't gonna bring up race, but you did Steve,
and now that you brought it up, let's talk about it.
Every time I take my white friends to an ethnic restaurant,
they always say some shit that embarrasses me.
Every single time. Every time.
Either they don't know how to pronounce the food,
or they'll say some random shit.
They'll be like, can I get that one? The Papa Dom's?
What do you call these ones? You know?
They'll be like, can I get this one? But not spicy?
Kill yourself yourself. Then I get the curry, but not spicy.
Kill yourself.
How you gonna ask for curry, but not spicy?
Your forefathers went
around the world killing people for the spice.
Now you don't want it.
- Shut up beneath the spice,
- Steve, and he's there.
He's like, Trevor, okay, I, I really don't understand
where this is coming from.
Alright? I'm not gonna embarrass you. I understand Curry.
I was like, Steve, let's just leave it at that. I got you.
Okay, I got you. Alright.
I understand this way more than you.
He's like, Trevor, I'm sorry. You're not
more Indian than me.
I was like, I'm sorry, what? He's like, yeah,
you will not more Indian than me.
I was like, go.
What the hell is that?
Exactly. Don't tell me I'm not more Indian than you.
You, you, you, you shut up. When
the waiter comes here, you shake yourself.
He's said, I'm not gonna shut up. I was like, you shut up.
He's like, okay, fine. Order, order then.
And the waiter walks over. He's beautiful Indian man.
He's got his beautiful Indian gob and he steps up.
And I know Steve. I can see him questioning my authority
out of the corner of my eye.
I wanted to show him that these were my people.
And as the waiter got there, I didn't even let him speak.
I just jumped up and I was like, good evening.
I'm going to be ordering for the entire table.
Please,
could we please have three garlic raw nuns?
We're going to have three Ali Rotis.
Give us one Sha panier. One Pala Panier. You know what?
We're going to have a Rogan Josh Lamb. Of course.
Could we also please have one butter chicken
for my Caucasian friends?
And then we're going to have three samosas
and three mangos to wash it all down.
Thank you very much. I crushed it.
I could feel it. Everyone could feel it.
I could feel something because
the table went dead.
The waiter just stared at me.
At first, I thought he was, he was impressed.
Then I realized he was confused.
And this Indian man leans in, looks me dead in the eye.
And he's like, sorry, sir.
Could you repeat what you said?
I kind of hear what you were saying, right?
You got a bit of an accent.
- And - I was like, oh shit. He's Scottish.
I mean, I know he's Scottish. I mean, he went Scotland.
He's Scottish, but it's like he's Indian.
I didn't expect that. Right?
Because the whole place is Indians, an Indian restaurant.
The people eating were Indian. There's
Indian god's on the wall.
The guy was Indian.
His beard was Indian, but his mouth was Shrek.
I didn't expect that.
- And now he didn't understand me. 'cause I trau too much.
I didn't need to try so hard.
But then I realized I also couldn't stop
'cause that would be racist.
- So now I've got the Scottish Indian man looking at me.
Everyone's quiet. And he's like, if you don't mind, Ladi,
could you order again a little slower this time?
Right? Then I hear what yourself.
You want me to place the entire order again?
Ah, if you don't mind, I'm ready whenever you are.
You know, I think everybody can order
for themselves at the table.
I I don't think it's necessary for me to hold their hands.
Everybody can order individually
and we can, we can go from there.
Okay. We can, we can go from there.
And Steve was like, oh, I wish I could,
but I, I'm so afraid I might offend someone.
I, I think, I think my friend here should order for us.
Please. Trevor, go ahead. Go ahead.
You're far more cultured than I am. I said, no, no, no, no.
Steve, please. You can dry your hand.
I'm sure you know exactly what you want.
He's like, no, but what if I say something embarrassing?
The last thing I'd want to do is offend
another person's culture.
Trevor said, no, you can't, you can't offend anybody.
We, there are no mistakes here. Okay? We are all friends.
Okay? If anybody make a mistake, we forget about it.
In fact, whatever happens today,
we are all going to forget about it.
Okay? Just order. Just order.
He's like, no, I, I wish I could, I really wish I could.
But Trevor, please go. I said, no,
no, you just, just order Steve.
He's like, oh, please, Trevor. I was like, order bastard.
Just order. And the waiter was like a, a, a, Hey,
there's no need to fight amongst yourselves.
Look clearly, your friend's a little uncomfortable, right?
Just order for him. Like, yes, he's totally uncomfortable.
Okay. Could we please have three Mali Rotis
and three garlic nan?
One She panier. One pal panier.
And could we also get a lamb rogan, Josh?
And we're also going to be having a one butter chicken
for your Caucasian friends.
For anybody, for anybody.
Anybody can enjoy different types of curry.
They don't all have to be spicy.
It doesn't matter as long as you participate.
There is no wrong way. Oh, you're so understanding, Trevor.
Yes. Yes. I'm, I am.
Could we also please get the,
why aren't you gonna answer with that?
No, they can call me back later.
He's like, it's getting awkward. Just answer your phone.
I'll wait. Okay.
- Hello?
- Yes. This is Trevor speaking. How can I help you? Yes.
No, the one and the same. Can you, can you get to the point?
I can't talk right now. Can
you, can you tell me what you need?
I can't speak for too long, can you? No, no, no.
There is nothing wrong with my voice.
Can you just get No, no. Everything is fine.
No, I have not been kidnapped.
No, I have no, I have not been kidnapped.
Everything is fine. This is not a secret message.
Just can you, can you tell me what you need?
No, we can talk later then. No. Yeah, yeah.
My voice is like this sometimes. Don't worry about that.
Just be No, and I think I know my voice.
I think I know my voice also. Yeah.
Well, I've been me my whole life. Okay.
I've been me my, okay, fine. Fine. We'll talk later.
We'll talk later. Okay. Okay. Okay. Love you too, mommy.
Bye-bye.
It's the most awkward meal I've ever had in my life.
I barely ate a thing.
I sat there thinking about my life.
We finally get up to leave.
Steve is beaming from here to ear.
They walk out ahead of me, and as,
as I'm leaving the restaurant, the waiter waves us off.
He's like, ah, goodnight everybody.
He's like, have a great night.
And we wave at him and he's like, Hey, excuse me
before you go, Hey, ah, you Trevor, Noah,
a comedian, right?
I was like, yeah, yeah. Why?
He's like, oh, no, because I totally got you, Trevor.
I totally got you Trevor.
He's like, wait, wait, wait. What? Wait you, you Indian?
He's like, of course I'm Indian. Of course I'm Indian.
All place is Indian. I totally got you. Huh?
I said, well, I don't understand.
He's like, you don't understand. I understand you walked in.
I said, look, prophet coming.
Then you start talking with accent. I go, I also do accent.
When you were doing accent, then I do accent.
Then you were doing accent. You make joke. I make joke.
You like joke. I was like, no, I don't like your joke.
I don't like your joke. I
thought I was about to get canceled.
Do you see this shit? He's like, it was amazing.
You were sweating so hot. Not from the car.
That was so funny. I was like, it was not funny.
My friends were, love you. He's like, I know.
He's like, I wasn't scared, man. Why would you do that?
He's like, because I take great joy in the
pain and suffering of others.
It's called Schadenfreude
