if you’ve never been in a relationship, watch this (2025)
B1
I got my first boyfriend at the age of
22 I've never had the comfort of
someone's arms around me as someone
who's never been in a long-term serious
relationship I feel like I am constantly
in a state where I never feel good
enough when you're the only person out
of everyone you know who's never had a
relationship you start to ask yourself a
lot of questions is there something
wrong with me am I doing something wrong
will I be single forever if you're still
single there must be something wrong
with you when did it become normal to
romantically talk to seven people at the
same time the more you think about it
the more reasons come up it's because
I'm too independent I'm too focused on
school I'm too focused on work my
standards are too high there's an
endless list that you create for
yourself when everyone around you seems
to have a relationship or relationship
seem to come easy to them your endless
list of reasons why you're single just
gets longer and longer what if the
problem isn't actually you what if it's
something much more mind you instead
hey if you're new I'm Christina and I
make videos of people who are feeling
lonely if you're a people pleaser
overachiever overthinker over anything
then you're in the right place you are
an 18 19 20 23 25 maybe even 30y old
who's never had a relationship this will
probably consume a lot of your mental
capacity like when you're surrounded by
other people your age who who's on their
like second boyfriend their third
girlfriend they're moving in with their
partner they're talking about starting a
family you can't help but think H is
there something I'm doing wrong you
can't help but question certain things
is there something I'm doing wrong am I
is there something that I'm missing will
I be single forever because you ask
yourself all these questions you start
to come up with answers and in your head
you start to think oh it's it's because
I'm too independent it's because I'm
focused too much on school it's because
I'm focused too much on my work it's
because I'm too ambitious I'm too
intimidating I'm too to this to that
fill in the blank because you're coming
up with all these sort of excuses as to
why you've not found your person why
you're single why something that comes
so easily to everyone else is quite hard
for you this list in your head you don't
realize at first but it slowly starts to
make you feel a little bit insecure like
oh I'm going to be behind when I
eventually do get in a relationship
there's going to be so many things that
I don't know I'm going to have no
experience I literally saw a Tik Tok the
other day I think it was like a a clip
from a YouTube video where they were
asking how long was your longest
relationship what's our longest
relationship never been a relationship
oh okay s so now we know worse kisser
worse than bed these are the things we
worry about when you're when you're that
guy who's never had a relationship and
you think oh no but you know I I
research I read up on dating and
relationships and communication like you
you watch Tik toks and dating advice
like you it's not like you're completely
int on how to manage a relationship or
how to communicate but this sort of
thing makes you panic in the back of
your mind cuz is that what people really
think I think a lot of people who are
slightly older and have never been in in
a relationship I feel like we have a
fear of love or a fear of like closeness
maybe even fear of intimacy you could
say have you ever been in love I've
never been in love before I've actually
never been in a relationship I think
that as soon as someone starts liking me
I mentally can't accept it so I kind of
just run away I just get like a very
strong physical ick if someone um
expresses like that they're into me I
like them until that they until they
like
me yeah do you think there's like
a bit of fear around closeness with
someone I think so I think maybe I just
get freaked out with the concept of
attachment to someone I grew up in
Norway with my mom and my dad lived in
France they actually were never married
but they like we're never together so I
don't know maybe I've had like a
weird perspective on on the idea of
family she gets the ick when someone
when someone likes her she likes them up
until they like her back I I want to
hyperfixate on the words that she's used
like ick and like freaked out because
what she's describing I think a lot of
other people will also experience but
they won't use the word ick I can relate
to some of what she's describing I don't
get the ick if someone likes me but I I
panic like it's it's literally like
honestly a like a fight ORF flight
situation where I'm like genuinely
scared what I found interesting was in
the comments a lot of people were
talking about an avoidant attachment
style there is an amazing book which
does a deep dive on all the attachment
Styles I'd highly recommend it actually
especially if you're someone who's never
had a relationship or someone who has
like unhealthy maybe toxic relationships
it's called attached I'll link it down
below this book like it's one of the
books you'll read and like you get a
whole new perspective on yourself like
you learn about you you're reading the
book and you're like oh my God this guyy
is describing me that was what happened
when I opened the book and read the
avoidant attachment chapters when you're
an avoidant attached person they are the
stereotypical hyper independent focused
on their jobs focused on work climbing
the corporate ladder I don't need
friends I don't need relationships I
don't want to be distracted I just want
to focus on on like my work I have a
feeling if you're slightly older not
been in relationships I I my guess is
that you'd probably lean more avoidant
because as time goes on in your life and
you've kind of you're a bit more grown
up now you've graduated you've got a job
you're focusing on yourself maybe you've
got your own place you you're like
working on yourself and you're you're
preoccupied with all the amazing things
you've got going in your life that you
probably see relationships and
especially dating cuz dating and going
on first date and then relationships are
quite different like I'd actually
consider myself quite a good dater
because I've been on so many like i'
I've been speed dating so many times
with like I've done it on my own and
then I've done it with friends because
it's always it's always funny with
friends but then like an actual
relationships where it's it's longterm
I'm just with one person I have to get
really close and open up and be honest
which normally makes me panic like that
I have no experience with and I have a
feeling for me it's because of my
avoidant attachment style and because
clo just closeness is a bit scary like
it it doesn't it doesn't feel safe in my
mind maybe maybe that's why I always
Panic it it just feels like something I
should like worry about and like this
this isn't safe something else you
probably do if you're someone who's
never been in relationship you probably
hyperfixate on your flaws when you ask
yourself certain questions why am I
still single why is no one ask me out
why does no one ever look at me like how
they look at her why does no one ever
compliment me why do I never get
comments on my Instagram pictures that
say like oh stunning or beautiful
gorgeous why is it only ever the people
that I don't like that approach me why
is it the people that I'm not interested
in that ask me out when you ask yourself
these questions you start to create a
list I I'm going to call it like the
endless list it's like an endless list
of reasons excuses as to what's wrong
with you I have never had a boyfriend
I've never had I've never experienced
love and I've never done anything
romantic at all and I feel behind most
of the people I know have had some
experience and I've had nothing I feel I
don't even know what to do if I was in a
relationship I feel like this was me for
a really long time like I feel so
experienced I've not done anything
romantic I don't know I wouldn't know
what to do it's weird because you you
have this endless list of reasons why
you've not had a relationship and the
list gets longer and longer and you kind
of flesh out this list you really
believe the list and what I've noticed
is if you ask yourself certain questions
your brain will just come up with
answers for example if I said oh yeah
think about like right now have a think
about why global warming is at an
all-time high you can probably tell me
like not enough recycling too much
landfill not enough electric cars
there's still so many like petrol cars
gas cars diesel you'd be able to come up
with like a million answers then if I
told you oh yeah sit on that question
for the next few months for the next few
years you'd probably come up with more
and more answers as why climate change
is so bad you'd come up with new you'd
probably start to research it you'd ask
yourself questions you'd probably start
to look on Tik Tok as well cuz you're
going to like ruminate on it just like
how you can think and ruminate on
climate change and why climate change is
so bad you probably
unconsciously chosen to ruminate on why
you're still single and that's why you
have such like insecurity about it or so
many questions because that's your
question of choice to ruminate on and
what I like to say is like if you ask a
bad question you're going to get bad
answers but if you ask a good question
you'd get good answers I feel like a
more empowering question or a more like
confidence boosting question to ask
yourself is like why am I such a good
person why would I be a great person to
go out with why would I be a good
partner why would I be why would someone
be lucky to be with me it sounds cringe
like even as I'm sing I'm like that
sounds like proper weird like I hope no
one downstairs can hear me but like if
you sit and ruminate on all the negative
parts of you or all the parts of you
that are too much because you're you're
too hardworking too independent too
intimidating if you ruminate on that too
much you're going to believe in it's
going to become valid in your mind it's
going to be so valid that you're like oh
yeah this is the reason why I'm single
like you're going to lead with that
versus if you lead with like a more
empowering question why am I a great
person why would someone be lucky to be
with me and you ruminate on that you're
going to then lead with a more positive
aspect another common thing that I've
noticed that we maybe all have those of
us that have never had a long-term
relationship is that sometimes we think
being single is better than settling for
example give this video a thumbs up if
you've ever thought like oh there's no
one around me that I know that's like
quite On My Level like no one's quite
good enough no one no one meets my
standard I'm too intimidating for
everyone like I just don't think anyone
would like handle me I do believe being
single is better than settling however I
think that we have like really
disproportionate fear of settling I
think settling settling to different
people means different things to me I've
learned after reading an incredible book
called how to not die alone by Logan
Yuri in her book she really taught me
that settling isn't like going out with
a person like way way way below your
level of standard and they're unemployed
they're they're they're in terrible
Health they don't look after themselves
they've got terrible hygiene settling
from what she described in the book and
like what I now see settling as is like
you find someone who is really amazing
like they actually really inspire you
they're a lovely person they're so funny
there's a few areas where you're not
100% compatible and your instinct might
be like oh well you know it's not going
to work because they have different
beliefs around private education versus
public education maybe they have
different political beliefs when there's
like a minor
incompatibility I now see that as like
this could be an area where you can
actually communicate and work on things
rather than just completely abandon this
person abandon this relationship but
I've noticed for sure we're hyper
selective now and I feel like now I feel
like the list of things that qualifies
as a red flag is just getting lower and
lower like a red flag used to be you
show up to the date late you're rude to
the waitress you speak about women on
the day in a drogy way it used to be
like it almost used to be like red flags
reflect your values and things that are
like non-negotiable but now I feel like
red flags are almost becoming a bit
gimmicky and like anything can be a red
flag wearing the wrong outfit could be a
red flag having like dirty trainers
could be a red flag i' I've realized you
have to kind of differentiate kind of a
red flag and a non-negotiable from just
like a floor that someone has cuz we all
have floors but we never sit and think
about what are the flaws I'd happily
accept my partner has and what are some
of the red flags I just will not put up
with and this is how I now see settling
like I know my partner will have flaw
because I have flaw but I now have to
think okay these are the flaw happy to
settle for like I'm happy to settle for
Maybe dirty trainers because who doesn't
have dirty trainers in the UK it is
literally raining outside or a flaw I'm
completely happy to accept is not having
a work life balance because I don't have
a work life balance completely okay with
my partner having flaws and they could
be the flaws that I have they could be
different flaws I just accept and I'm
happy to settle for Flaws any red flag
is a future argument is how I see it
like a red flag for me something that
could be a future argument is like
someone expecting me to like be more
chilled and to work less like that we'd
have an argument over that cuz that's
just like my value my one of my values
is just like to fulfill my purpose like
I find I find purpose and joy in working
a lot I I really do I have a healthier
balance with it now but if someone told
me like you need to rest more you're
always too busy you're working too much
have your weekend off like we we we
would have beef videos online will tell
you to like script and manifest your
perfect partner and write a list of all
the things that you want them to have
but I think equally just so your
expectations are realistic it's helpful
to write a list of all the flaws that
you're okay with them having that being
said I don't want you guys especially if
I know some of you guys are slightly
younger do not put relationships on a
pedestal relationships are not a prize
and the reason why is because not all
relationships are created equal like you
might look at some relationships and be
like oh wow their relationship's perfect
I see comments like that on Tik toks
like Wow Girls I wish this was me I wish
a boy would treat me this way a
relationship is not a prize please bear
in mind any relationship that you go
into you are bringing yourself with it
like your life your tone of voice your
thinking they all come into the
relationship with you you cannot leave
yourself behind if there's a certain
part of you that feels like you're
always self-sabotaging and you ruin
things before they can get good you
always shut down things that are going
well bear in mind if you had your goals
relationship goals boyfriend goals
girlfriend you are bringing yourself
yourself with it like sometimes the
dream relationship is not the prize at
all because if you hand if it got handed
to you right now you actually wouldn't
have the secure attachment the open
communication the healthy boundaries the
ability to handle flaws and understand
the difference between flaws and red
flags you wouldn't be able to handle it
and it wouldn't it wouldn't work out the
real prize in my view is not the
relationship the real prize is the
person that you become in the process of
trying to get a relationship everyone
has a desire for relationship I know
it's a bit embarrassing to admit that
like oh I want a relationship I want a
boyfriend as a human it's literally in
our DNA like even if you don't want to
admit it and you don't want to be like
embarrassing and be like oh I do want a
boyfriend like we all at our call do
want loveing companion around us whether
that's partner family friends but I
really don't see a boyfriend as the
prize like I see me becoming a better
version of myself that can communicate
honestly she is the prize like that is
the prize because she is the person that
can handle the relationship well she's
the person that's not going to sabotage
and self-sabotage and ruin it before it
even gets anywhere and on this note not
all relationships are created equal
honestly speaking to some people that
I've known from like way way back to
high school a lot of the things I hear
are people complaining and like
complaining about things they're unhappy
with their relationship they're not
happy with the treatment they're getting
they wish they could leave but they stay
because they're too scared to leave
please don't think that everyone else is
having a better time than you just
because they're in a relationship
because that could not be further from
the truth are people so uncomfortable
being single that they would rather be
in a terrible relationship than be on
their own if you're happy with your own
company you have something that so many
people don't have which is liking
yourself like you like your own time so
many people don't have that and to fill
that void they have a terrible not flaws
but they settle for red flags so they're
having constant argument there are so
many hardworking ambitious driven people
that I feel like they don't realize they
self-sabotage all of their hard work
before they can even get started and I
made a video all about like my
experience with this and tips and stuff
I'm going to link it here
